Stillborn, Still Loved
Stillborn, Still Loved
TRIGGER WARNING!
This blog post may contain sensitive content that may trigger ones mental health and or recovery. If triggered please immediately exit!
What is defined as a stillborn baby?
A stillborn baby is a fetus that dies after 20 weeks of pregnancy and before or during birth.
I gave birth to my daughter, Gianna Faith on October 22nd 2011. It was a stillbirth. I can remember it like it was yesterday. My pregnancy was high risk from my first sonogram. I had been diagnosed with placenta previa; a condition at which the placenta is at risk for detaching or abruption.
This is me holding my stillborn daughter in my arms; one of the few photos I have of her and only ones of her and I together.
Gianna Faith
October 22nd 2011
Gianna was born due to a placental abruption at 24 1/2 weeks. I was one week shy of being able to get steroids to help develop her lungs. Unfortunately we only made it four days before I had to deliver.
That day was the most traumatic day of my life. Some don't understand that having a stillborn is no less traumatizing than losing an infant that was born alive. She was and is still my daughter. I went through a pregnancy, finding out her sex, even making her and beginning to prepare for her arrival..
And then I lost her.
Stillborn, still loved
Gianna will always be a part of me; the good and the bad.
Her loss has left me beyond broken and with PTSD (,Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), severe depression, panic attacks and anxiety and sleep disorders including night terrors. Although losing Gianna was the worst day of my life, she left me with a forever and unconditional love. If Gianna survived, she had a much higher rate of being deaf, blind, disabled and so many other complications. I didn't want that for my child. I am a mother that could not live seeing my daughter grow up suffering and struggling, in pain. I did not choose to give birth. It happens naturally; life on life's terms.
My placenta abrupted and at that time I had no option but to deliver as she was coming down my birth canal. I remember the screams that left my body, begging for them to save her, willing to give up my life in order to save hers. There was nothing the Drs could do. I was too early in my pregnancy and nature had simply taken it's course. I watched my little angel take her first and only breath in her short moment of life. She was gone in the blink of an eye, without suffering. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Gianna and wish I still had my daughter with me.. but, I am grateful for the four beautiful children I was so blessed to have.
Stillbirths effect about 1 in 170 pregnancies. I was that one. I still to this day wonder why? Why me? Why her? Why was she taken and why did I lose her? But I have to accept that it was just a traumatic event in my journey of life.. that as hard as it is to accept, bad things just happen. Sometimes there is no real answer. Some things just are.
It's been a long road for me after giving birth to Gianna. Along this path, I was blessed with two angel babies; Carter and my last daughter, Ariah Storm. I am beyond lucky to have been able to have them after my loss. I'm also a mommy to another son, Camden and a daughter, Jayla Mykal. These four are my whole heart. And of course Gianna will forever be a part of all of our hearts and world.
I've learned that I am not alone. More women than I knew have been through similar situations and have lost their baby to a stillbirth. Coping with having a stillborn is hard but you have to learn to find someone you can relate to, seek professional help and just understanding that there's nothing you could have done to change the outcome. It isn't your (or my) fault. Guilt tends to play a massive role in losing an infant. This is normal.
They say there are five stages of grief;
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
We all go through this process differently and at our own pace... Also, in different orders. Sometimes we don't go through some of the stages at all or don't even realize we are. I have come to accept my loss but I have yet to really heal from it. Even though it's now 2025, I still don't feel ready to let go or to be at terms with my loss...and that is okay! I may or may never be ready. But I have moved forward with my life. I'm lucky to have such a loving and supportive family as my loss has left and lead to multiple mental health conditions, a history of substance abuse and now, various disabilities. I thank my family for being here for me through all of my trauma and pain. My mother and grandmother play a huge role in my support system. Without them I would not have the strength to live..
If you or someone you love has suffered the loss of an infant please know that you are not alone. There is help and support. For stillborn resources visit:
stillborn, still loved
Follow me @I_AMJESSIEMARIE
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